One Hell Of A Ride

Warning: This is gonna be a very looooooooong post.

Hi, it's me. I know it's been a long time since my last post but a lot has happened which I am gonna tell you in a few. This post is dedicated to my grandmother who just passed away last August. It's gonna be about last year, 2016. What happened, what did not happen and more.

2016 was a one hell of a ride for me. First few months, nothing special happened but come second quarter, hell, it was the most eventful time of my life. Last time I posted was on June 15, 2016. It was in the middle of the year and I was just at home, jobless. No idea what to do with life. I guess you could say I was experiencing a life existential crisis. Though I don't really know what that means. But this article might help us understand what it is. I can say I can relate to most of it. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm just floating around. Going with the flow. Living day by day. If you don't know what my everyday life is like nowadays, here it goes: Wake up at 8AM, eat breakfast, take a shower, go to work, go home, eat dinner and then go to sleep, with a little bit of checking my social media accounts in between. Sucks, right? But like I told myself, I did this to myself. I made this choice. You see, I graduated in 2014. Didn't get a job after. Until only later this year my father decided we build a new business. So we did. He went home last May 2016 from Saudi Arabia. He was an OFW. I think he realized I didn't want to work in offices or outside for that matter. He did know I feared getting out of my comfort zone. Honestly, up until now I still do. So, the wonderful father he is he insisted we build a business. He saw this franchise thing on Facebook. It's an all in one business of kind: Bill Payments, Travel & Tours, Money Remittance, Courier Service, E-Load. He thought it was a good business to build and so we did. He invested a lot of money in it. We opened last September and it's still going until now. We don't have a lot of customers yet but it's okay. The income is not cutting it since we pay a lot for the rent expenses so we decided to start running the business at home on February. I will be running it here in Cavite while papa will run it in Quezon City. Voila, we have 2 branches! Hopefully, everything will be okay and it will be successful.

Okay, here goes my problem. I have a lot to say. It's just sometimes, they all come when I'm at the most inconvenient time and place. Like when I'm in the bathroom or outside. I don't really like writing down my thoughts because my hand gets hurt immediately after I write all my thoughts, which I tell you, are a lot. So instead of writing, I prefer typing. I have my phone with me all the time. But I don't really like typing in it also because the screen is too small for me. It may sound like I'm just making excuses but it's true. The reason I haven't posted in 6 months is I'm just plain lazy. I write when I'm inspired or motivated, when I'm really in the mood for it. Like right now. 

Back to my story. This is probably hard to write into words but I have to.

Last August, the worst thing that ever happened to me, happened. My grandmother passed away. My family and I didn't expect it. My father and I were staying here in Cavite at the time because we were busy preparing for the opening of our new business. One day, my father got sick and then before we went home to Quezon City, my grandmother got sick, too. I didn't think it was severe until my cousin told me they were gonna bring Mommy to the hospital. I got worried, of course. I thought it was just cough and colds. But it was more than that. She had Pneumonia. I keep on praying that she gets well. Until I got there to stay the night. She looked really sick, she wasn't even talking. She laughed a little while we were all there. We ate together, but she didn't. I didn't sleep that night until morning because she couldn't fall asleep either. She couldn't breathe properly. Until it was dawn and then she fell asleep, I still keep praying and hoping she gets well. The nurses came and injected her meds. She woke up a little asking for water, I didn't hear it at first so I asked her again, I said, "Ma, tubig gusto mo?" The nurses helped me put her in a sitting position so she could drink. The way she asked for it, like it was really hard for her to speak. I don't know how to explain it was just sudden. It all happened so fast but it was the most devastating and heartbreaking thing that ever happened to me. She fell back, it was like she took her last breath then and there. And then I asked the nurse, "Kuya, humihinga pa ba?" And I was on the verge of crying. I called our family. The nurses were trying to revive her. They did CPR. They gave her meds. I was crying and crying and crying until all my family and relatives have arrived. They gave her meds to make her heart beating again. Turned out she had Diabetes and Kidney failure, too. But what happened was a cardiac attack. They brought her to the ICU and my family and I went home to get our stuff. And came back the next day. And when we came back, she was gone.

At that day when it happened, after I cried, I didn't cry anymore. Not until the day of her wake. I don't know why. They were still praying at that day. I did, too. But I just accepted it. I'd rather her be with God than see her suffering anymore. She's with God now. She's okay. She's in a much better place. 

My family and I have this myth that when a close family member passed away, they somehow turn into a butterfly. Mama Iya and Mamang were brown and Mommy was white. Everyday on our way to work, I always see white butterflies outside our house and near the gate of our village. I always think it was her. That she'll always be there, guiding us. 

Mommy, 

I know you're with God now. It's much better there I promise. You're not alone anymore. You're not sick anymore. You're better. Much, much better. I miss you. I miss everything about you. I'm sorry if I wasn't there when you needed someone. I hope I was. And I regret not being there for you so much. I think of you everyday. I love you and I will see you soon.

Love, 

Aiel

Last September 9, I wrote this poem (kinda) here on my blog but I didn't publish it. I just wanted to let it all out. Here it goes:

september 9, 2016

it's been 13 days since mommy passed away
there are times that it feels like its still not sinking in
everything happened so fast

i don't wanna remember the days she was suffering

i was in the hospital with her before the day she had a cardiac arrest

i was there
i saw it happened

her heartbeat and breathing stopped

they tried to revive her

she came back but she's not conscious

everything felt surreal

i was crying

i was praying

i was trying to accept what was happening

the next few days was her wake
i don't feel like telling anybody how i feel

though i know that they'd understand

cause they always say they do

so i thought of writing about it

instead of telling everybody about how i feel

people say writing is therapeutic
i've always wanted to write since i started loving reading books

but i feel like i'm not good enough

not good enough to write all these thoughts inside my head

i cannot put them in to the right words they're supposed to be in

i'm at a confused state right now
were about to open our business in a few days

and i don't even know how to function

i'm kind of excited and nervous at the same time

but i still feel like floating in the air

because of all that happened in the past few weeks

i feel so overwhelmed by all these feelings
i'm feeling them all at the same time

i don't know if it feels good or bad

if i like it or not

i want to move on but i don't want to let go

Don't worry. I'm feeling a lot better now. It still hurts because I miss her everyday but I'm okay. 

Do you know the saying, "Kapag may umalis, may darating?" My family and I used to joke about it that a guy would probably come into my life (I've been single for a long time) in 2016 haha but well it didn't happen yet. Though I'm not really in a hurry. I prefer to be alone most of the time. Something good happened. It wasn't a guy who's coming. It's a baby girl! My cousin is 8 months pregnant with her. We're all excited about it. It's a blessing. Of course, we were all shocked at first, we didn't expect it to happen this soon. But we're all happy for her. 

It's probably not a lot for other people, but for me, if you know me personally, it's a LOT. There's never something going on in my life because I'm always home. I also don't go out a lot. I probably have to soon.

Life lessons I learned in 2016? Let's see...

1.  People come and go
• You don't have to force them into your life if they want to go. If sometimes, maybe it's not their choice, or maybe it's just me but it seems like they're drifting away? I'm not that kind of person who chases after people just for them to stay in my life. I mean, you have to put an effort into your relationship. And I'm talking about all kinds of relationships.
2. I realized that I can do things I never thought I could do
• Last November 2015, I got sick with UTI & Dengue (though up until now I'm still not sure if those were really my diagnosis, the doctors who checked up on me didn't seem sure. lol) Since then, I stopped drinking soft drinks and powdered juices including iced tea. I love both, but I realized I can live without them. I still drink them occasionally, maybe twice or thrice this year. And I'm also planning on cutting another group of food like white bread, chocolates, pastries, etc. soon. Hope it goes well.
3. I really should start going out of my comfort zone
• This one I haven't really tried again last year but it's gonna be one of my new year's resolution. (Okay, I really don't believe in new year's resolution because every time I make a list of it, I don't follow them. haha) But hopefully, this year it's gonna be different.
4. People change
• They do. And sometimes, they change to the person who they said they will never be. And for me, it's not bad. We all grow. We all make mistakes and learn from them. There are experiences in life that change us as a person.

Okay, there's probably more lessons I've learned but since I'm a very forgetful person, I might not put them on the list anymore. Sorry! haha

And as you can see, I've changed my blog's name again (for the nth time, to be honest I don't really remember anymore). HER LIFE JOURNEY - 'her' pertaining to me. It sounded better than MY so yeah. Like I said in this post, I'm gonna do whatever I want to do with my life. And that includes my blog. haha Yeah, I change my mind a lot. Right now, I don't want to be like other bloggers out there, which I got the inspiration from when I made the Soul Seeker part of my blog. Starting today, all of it will be going to be about me. What I like, what I love, what happens in my life, whether they're gonna be good or bad. This is gonna be the purpose of this new name and this new year. This will be my online journal. Well, obviously, this blog has been all about me. I'm just gonna change the theme. I'm not gonna delete my old posts since they're part of my life journey. I'm just gonna make new ones. New memories, new photos, new journey..

2016, you were one hell of a ride but I'm ready to face a new one in 2017. Ciao.