It's okay. It's okay if you're lying on your bed right now, staring blankly at the ceiling, about to cry. I know you're scared. You're scared because you think you're never good enough. You're scared because you see other people your age already doing well and you're not even halfway there. You're scared because you think about what others will say about you. You're scared to end up failing. You're scared, and I understand. But let me tell you this: You'll make it. I swear, you will. So if you feel like crying right now, it's okay, go ahead and cry. It's okay to feel lost. You will eventually find your way out. It's okay if right now you feel like you're not the person you're supposed to be, because I know that you'll figure it out one day. It's okay if you feel like you've let yourself and the people you love down a lot of times already. One day, after all the trials and errors and breakdowns, you'll finally make it. And you'll see that the people who love you never lost their faith in you. Please, right now, as you are -- I am asking you to not give up. Your heart may feel heavy and your mind may have thousands of thoughts inside, but you have to keep going. You have to, no matter how scary and much struggle it may be. I am proud that you found the strength to read this because that means that you're trying to tell yourself that you can do this through all of these words. So if there are times that you feel like you're about to just turn around and give it all up, remember this: You are not a failure. You are on your way. Disclaimer:
Words by: Kayla Camacho
Posted on: Thought Catalog on Instagram
Photo by: Earth on Twitter
A few days ago my mother arranged the furnitures in our room. The bed is now adjacent to the window. It's been a year ago since I arranged it from its old spot which is facing the door, (which according to Feng Shui is bad luck). But i'm not one to believe in luck or fortunes, for that matter. And as I look outside the window I've realized that I've missed the view. Well, all you can see from the window is the roof of the house next door and some of the houses in the neighborhood, maybe some trees too. But the good thing about it is the view from the second floor when the sun starts to set. It always makes me think about my life. How it changed so fast. From being feeling alone to being with all the people you love. And them because of some circumstances, I'll probably be alone in a few months time. I don't hate being alone, in fact I love it. And I prefer being it most of the time. I just hate it when I get too attached with a lot of people around me and yes, i'm talking about my family, and then after a long time, when they're gone I long for their company and when I try to reach them, they're all already busy with their lives. And I feel like I have no space in it for me anymore. I know, it's probably my fault. I tend to be masungit at times because let's face it, girls are really moody. I've only become so moody recently. I don't even know why. It's probably because all of a sudden, everything has changed. But this view made me think of my life and how it's actually peaceful and calm. I'm not saying that I don't have problems, it's just it makes me think of the good things and what and who God has blessed me with. And it makes me appreciate life more. This is one of the reason why I always always love taking pictures of the sky or nature. It reminds me how beautiful this world is and how blessed we are that God has given us the privilege of living in it and admiring it. And I also realized one thing: that I don't wanna be a photographer, I just want to capture the beauty of this world and share it to others for them to appreciate it if they don't yet or if they do, make them do it more. And hopefully someday, some people won't take it for granted anymore.
Take it a day at a time. You don't have to know what you're doing the next day or even the next hour. I've learned that the more you think about the future, the shorter the day seems and the months fly past you and you're left feeling discontent and unsatisfied. It's almost like everything has been in a blur, and you find yourself saying, "the year went by so fast", even though you haven't accomplished much. So do everything in the moment of 'now', and cherish each minute like it's the last minute you have.
Let it go. You know nothing is going to change, because you can't change people unless they truly want to and you can't change the past either, and the sooner you realize this, you will spend more time being happy than in a constant battle with your mind and your heart. They need rest too.
Take risks. If you never take any, the moment that turned out for the worst could have turned our for the best. This works vice-versa as well, but either way, you will learn from these experiences. You won't forget how rapidly your heart was beating in these moments and how electric you felt. It will be worth it in the end, trust me.
Call up that person that you didn't spend enough time getting to know about, simply because you were too distracted with somebody else or just didn't feel like you'd become something more than acquaintances. Greet strangers and embrace the idea of diversity. Ask questions about different cultures, morals, ideas, beliefs; educate yourself as much you can.
Go ahead and wear that outfit you keep telling yourself that it doesn't look good on you. You bought it because you liked it, yes? So, show it to the whole damn world. If you do it with a smile and confidently squared shoulders--even better. You are beautiful.
Instead of procrastinating and wallowing in self-pity, get up and do something. Sitting around is not going to do much but make you feel horrible, and you'll create scenarios that may not even exist or be as big in your head that will cause matters to become worse. You want this to be your year of explosive progress? Set goals and strive to achieve them. You want to look back at the end of the year and say, "I did good".
Spend more time with your family or friends. Build a support system so strong, that you will never feel lonely. In fact, this support system will lead you to feeling content even when you are alone, because you won't feel the constant need to either be with someone or have somebody who loves you, because you know you'll have people who love you and the more love you surround yourself with, the easier it becomes to love yourself too.
Be kind always and be angry when you need to be. Stand up for the ideas that you need believe in and don't back down from them just because you have a different opinion. Learn to love the sound of your voice when it bounces off the walls of a classroom full of people, because your voice has the power to change a million minds. Remember, you are allowed to feel whatever it is you feel.
Go on more road trips or just take a few minutes to be outside by yourself. Inhale and exhale the air around you. Watch the stars, the sunset, the sunrise, the birds flying in the sky, the cars passing by. Walk in the rain sometimes without an umbrella, instead of running. Let the sunlight soak your skin more often. God, isn't the world itself beautiful.
Be faithful. This is the year you hoped to be better. Don't let anything stop you from achieving that, because you are limitless as long as you believe in yourself to be.
Let 2017 be the year you will finally heal. The year you will rise above every heartache, sorrow and loss. The year you will mend every battle scar and open wound. The year you will gather all the broken pieces of your heart, of your soul, of your life, putting them altogether and bandaging every crack, until it becomes whole again. Let this be the year you will realize that it's okay to be broken, to cry, to grieve, but it's not okay to stay like that forever. Let this year be a year of hope, assurances that there will be better days for you, that there is joy set before you, after all these mourning. That the sun will rise and the storm will cease, and the aftermath will not be as messy as the calamity but it will be beautiful, it will be glorious. Let this year be the year you will realize that the ruins are magnificent. Let this year be a year of utter healing. Healing over every physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain and suffering. A year of regaining all the lost strength and courage, a year of admittance -- that we are broken, that we need healing. A year of just taking your time to heal, no matter how slow, as long as you are healing. A year you will no longer fake strength; but just be honest with what's going on inside you. Let this year be the year you will be whole, again. Disclaimer: Words by: Dian Tinio Posted by: Thought Catalog on Instagram Photo by: Earth on Twitter
Warning: This is gonna be a very looooooooong post.
Hi, it's me. I know it's been a long time since my last post but a lot has happened which I am gonna tell you in a few. This post is dedicated to my grandmother who just passed away last August. It's gonna be about last year, 2016. What happened, what did not happen and more.
2016 was a one hell of a ride for me. First few months, nothing special happened but come second quarter, hell, it was the most eventful time of my life. Last time I posted was on June 15, 2016. It was in the middle of the year and I was just at home, jobless. No idea what to do with life. I guess you could say I was experiencing a life existential crisis. Though I don't really know what that means. But this article might help us understand what it is. I can say I can relate to most of it. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm just floating around. Going with the flow. Living day by day. If you don't know what my everyday life is like nowadays, here it goes: Wake up at 8AM, eat breakfast, take a shower, go to work, go home, eat dinner and then go to sleep, with a little bit of checking my social media accounts in between. Sucks, right? But like I told myself, I did this to myself. I made this choice. You see, I graduated in 2014. Didn't get a job after. Until only later this year my father decided we build a new business. So we did. He went home last May 2016 from Saudi Arabia. He was an OFW. I think he realized I didn't want to work in offices or outside for that matter. He did know I feared getting out of my comfort zone. Honestly, up until now I still do. So, the wonderful father he is he insisted we build a business. He saw this franchise thing on Facebook. It's an all in one business of kind: Bill Payments, Travel & Tours, Money Remittance, Courier Service, E-Load. He thought it was a good business to build and so we did. He invested a lot of money in it. We opened last September and it's still going until now. We don't have a lot of customers yet but it's okay. The income is not cutting it since we pay a lot for the rent expenses so we decided to start running the business at home on February. I will be running it here in Cavite while papa will run it in Quezon City. Voila, we have 2 branches! Hopefully, everything will be okay and it will be successful.
Okay, here goes my problem. I have a lot to say. It's just sometimes, they all come when I'm at the most inconvenient time and place. Like when I'm in the bathroom or outside. I don't really like writing down my thoughts because my hand gets hurt immediately after I write all my thoughts, which I tell you, are a lot. So instead of writing, I prefer typing. I have my phone with me all the time. But I don't really like typing in it also because the screen is too small for me. It may sound like I'm just making excuses but it's true. The reason I haven't posted in 6 months is I'm just plain lazy. I write when I'm inspired or motivated, when I'm really in the mood for it. Like right now.
Back to my story. This is probably hard to write into words but I have to.
Last August, the worst thing that ever happened to me, happened. My grandmother passed away. My family and I didn't expect it. My father and I were staying here in Cavite at the time because we were busy preparing for the opening of our new business. One day, my father got sick and then before we went home to Quezon City, my grandmother got sick, too. I didn't think it was severe until my cousin told me they were gonna bring Mommy to the hospital. I got worried, of course. I thought it was just cough and colds. But it was more than that. She had Pneumonia. I keep on praying that she gets well. Until I got there to stay the night. She looked really sick, she wasn't even talking. She laughed a little while we were all there. We ate together, but she didn't. I didn't sleep that night until morning because she couldn't fall asleep either. She couldn't breathe properly. Until it was dawn and then she fell asleep, I still keep praying and hoping she gets well. The nurses came and injected her meds. She woke up a little asking for water, I didn't hear it at first so I asked her again, I said, "Ma, tubig gusto mo?" The nurses helped me put her in a sitting position so she could drink. The way she asked for it, like it was really hard for her to speak. I don't know how to explain it was just sudden. It all happened so fast but it was the most devastating and heartbreaking thing that ever happened to me. She fell back, it was like she took her last breath then and there. And then I asked the nurse, "Kuya, humihinga pa ba?" And I was on the verge of crying. I called our family. The nurses were trying to revive her. They did CPR. They gave her meds. I was crying and crying and crying until all my family and relatives have arrived. They gave her meds to make her heart beating again. Turned out she had Diabetes and Kidney failure, too. But what happened was a cardiac attack. They brought her to the ICU and my family and I went home to get our stuff. And came back the next day. And when we came back, she was gone.
At that day when it happened, after I cried, I didn't cry anymore. Not until the day of her wake. I don't know why. They were still praying at that day. I did, too. But I just accepted it. I'd rather her be with God than see her suffering anymore. She's with God now. She's okay. She's in a much better place.
My family and I have this myth that when a close family member passed away, they somehow turn into a butterfly. Mama Iya and Mamang were brown and Mommy was white. Everyday on our way to work, I always see white butterflies outside our house and near the gate of our village. I always think it was her. That she'll always be there, guiding us.
I know you're with God now. It's much better there I promise. You're not alone anymore. You're not sick anymore. You're better. Much, much better. I miss you. I miss everything about you. I'm sorry if I wasn't there when you needed someone. I hope I was. And I regret not being there for you so much. I think of you everyday. I love you and I will see you soon.
Last September 9, I wrote this poem (kinda) here on my blog but I didn't publish it. I just wanted to let it all out. Here it goes:
september 9, 2016
it's been 13 days since mommy passed away there are times that it feels like its still not sinking in everything happened so fast
i don't wanna remember the days she was suffering
i was in the hospital with her before the day she had a cardiac arrest
i was there i saw it happened
her heartbeat and breathing stopped
they tried to revive her
she came back but she's not conscious
everything felt surreal
i was crying
i was praying
i was trying to accept what was happening
the next few days was her wake i don't feel like telling anybody how i feel
though i know that they'd understand
cause they always say they do
so i thought of writing about it
instead of telling everybody about how i feel
people say writing is therapeutic i've always wanted to write since i started loving reading books
but i feel like i'm not good enough
not good enough to write all these thoughts inside my head
i cannot put them in to the right words they're supposed to be in
i'm at a confused state right now were about to open our business in a few days
and i don't even know how to function
i'm kind of excited and nervous at the same time
but i still feel like floating in the air
because of all that happened in the past few weeks
i feel so overwhelmed by all these feelings i'm feeling them all at the same time
i don't know if it feels good or bad
if i like it or not
i want to move on but i don't want to let go
Don't worry. I'm feeling a lot better now. It still hurts because I miss her everyday but I'm okay.
Do you know the saying, "Kapag may umalis, may darating?" My family and I used to joke about it that a guy would probably come into my life (I've been single for a long time) in 2016 haha but well it didn't happen yet. Though I'm not really in a hurry. I prefer to be alone most of the time. Something good happened. It wasn't a guy who's coming. It's a baby girl! My cousin is 8 months pregnant with her. We're all excited about it. It's a blessing. Of course, we were all shocked at first, we didn't expect it to happen this soon. But we're all happy for her.
It's probably not a lot for other people, but for me, if you know me personally, it's a LOT. There's never something going on in my life because I'm always home. I also don't go out a lot. I probably have to soon.
Life lessons I learned in 2016? Let's see...
People come and go
You don't have to force them into your life if they want to go. If sometimes, maybe it's not their choice, or maybe it's just me but it seems like they're drifting away? I'm not that kind of person who chases after people just for them to stay in my life. I mean, you have to put an effort into your relationship. And I'm talking about all kinds of relationships.
I realized that I can do things I never thought I could do
Last November 2015, I got sick with UTI & Dengue (though up until now I'm still not sure if those were really my diagnosis, the doctors who checked up on me didn't seem sure. lol) Since then, I stopped drinking soft drinks and powdered juices including iced tea. I love both, but I realized I can live without them. I still drink them occasionally, maybe twice or thrice this year. And I'm also planning on cutting another group of food like white bread, chocolates, pastries, etc. soon. Hope it goes well.
I really should start going out of my comfort zone
This one I haven't really tried again last year but it's gonna be one of my new year's resolution. (Okay, I really don't believe in new year's resolution because every time I make a list of it, I don't follow them. haha) But hopefully, this year it's gonna be different.
They do. And sometimes, they change to the person who they said they will never be. And for me, it's not bad. We all grow. We all make mistakes and learn from them. There are experiences in life that change us as a person.
Okay, there's probably more lessons I've learned but since I'm a very forgetful person, I might not put them on the list anymore. Sorry! haha
And as you can see, I've changed my blog's name again (for the nth time, to be honest I don't really remember anymore). HER LIFE JOURNEY - 'her' pertaining to me. It sounded better than MY so yeah. Like I said in this post, I'm gonna do whatever I want to do with my life. And that includes my blog. haha Yeah, I change my mind a lot. Right now, I don't want to be like other bloggers out there, which I got the inspiration from when I made the Soul Seeker part of my blog. Starting today, all of it will be going to be about me. What I like, what I love, what happens in my life, whether they're gonna be good or bad. This is gonna be the purpose of this new name and this new year. This will be my online journal. Well, obviously, this blog has been all about me. I'm just gonna change the theme. I'm not gonna delete my old posts since they're part of my life journey. I'm just gonna make new ones. New memories, new photos, new journey..
2016, you were one hell of a ride but I'm ready to face a new one in 2017. Ciao.